Clarity
by Demeter1
Summary: Icy cold is usually a face for the desperate want of burgeoning warmth. Arashi wonders.


**"Clarity"**

**Demeter**

**Warnings**: Sorata and Arashi

**Disclaimer**: All rights and privileges of X/1999 characters, objects and plots are property and trademarks of CLAMP, Asuka and associated parties. The author claims no legal responsibility for problems associated with using this work. The original story, relationships, and characters found within the fic are property of the author Demeter.

* * *

Do you really love me?

Sometimes, I really want to believe it, believe it with all my heart… or is it another one of your conquests? Can I trust you? Do you love me enough to settle these fears of mine?

Can I love you back when I have loved no one else?

Ever since my mother… the only person who cared for me… died, I have not cared for anyone…

Not even myself.

My thoughts are all questions… and you are the only one who has the answers… and I fear you because of that…

Sorata… I'm so confused at times.

Is this fluttery feeling love?

Or is it just affection?

I wish with my icy heart that it were love, because if it was, then I would be normal. I would be any girl who giggled on Valentine's day.

But I still don't see. I once prided myself for being able to tell black from white… but you are gray… not a color I can see clearly through.

When I see your advances, I move away, a scathing retort on my lips when what I really want to do is to throw myself in your arms and sob.

Or kiss you with all my soul.

You would be surprised, if you knew how poetic I am in reality. This stone façade of mine is just that. A mask, a cover for what I feel. I know reality Sorata… and I wonder if you do… because I know… most people cannot love as deeply or insanely as you.

Sometimes I feel as if I'm dreadfully jealous of Kamui… everyone eventually cares for him in one way or another.

He had Fuuma and Kotori before that fell apart.

He now has Subaru… even if it is temporary.

And whom do I have?

No one.

Not even my own mother.

But then… you came forward. With your brash and bright smiles, your happy-go-lucky grin, your lecherous advances… I'm surprised I didn't kill you at first glance.

Please, smile at me.

Before I feel the walls going higher.

In the dead of the night, I wish for your arms to wrap around my icy soul. No matter what, if you have your beautiful grin in my presence, I can completely and utterly surrender myself to a deep, dreamless sleep.

Do you understand?

What I fear so much is that I am only a figure for your love. Someone you could pretend to play the part of the heroic knight… oh, I do not doubt that you would lay your life on the line for me, but I wonder, is it out desperation of your destiny or true love?

I do not know

I despise seeing blood.

Seeing yours only heightens that irrational hate. I hate irrationality. Without reasonable thought, we are all just animals in human skin. And without our human demeanors, I don't understand why we don't just allow the Dragons of Earth to destroy us all.

I have many fears of you.

Or I have many fears for you.

Sometimes, during the middle of a fight, I will wonder, wonder with a bleak uncertainty, whether I have made the right choices in doing what I have done. The other dragons all seem to have some sort of reason why they fight. Reasons that are sensible, romantic, proud, realistic.

However, I do not.

I fight because I do.

I battle because I don't have anything else to really do. It's strange.

And I shudder to consider what you would say in light of that horrible admission. Would you care for me less? Would your heart turn away in search for another girl, woman? Would you look at me with disgust?

That would be the end of me.

All I have felt after you, all that would simply dissipate, like a wonderful dream. All I would have would be the memories of before you.

My life. It's the After and Before. Meeting you was a turning point that I can't even begin to fathom. The meaning behind those first gestures stem from many irrational thoughts.

Sorata.

Can you tell me?

Please, sooth these fears of mine.

Because, for all my professed strength, I don't think I can do it myself.

**- FIN -**


End file.
